Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
