life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
