Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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