Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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