to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
