Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
There's always time for handjobs
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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