Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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