Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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