Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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