so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
