Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
