I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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