no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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