just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
