sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
