The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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