wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
