apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
