No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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