think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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