Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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