it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying