He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship