just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
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just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
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I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.