You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
