Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
