Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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