I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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