I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
