After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
