I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
