my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
