my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
