So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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