you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
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Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
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I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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