i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
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How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
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Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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