you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
