I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
