first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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