I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
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After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
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I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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