I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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