The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
