Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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