separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
