At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
