How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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