My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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