Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
