OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
