I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
