She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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