i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
