I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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