I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
