my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
