So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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